Hide and Seek With God

I’m in the R. Kelly library at the University of Toronto. It’s big. With rows upon rows of towering bookshelves, I imagine how much fun it would be to play children’s games, like sardine or hide-and-seek, here. I’m picturing that there are some corners of the library where you could remain hidden for days. Mental note to self: if I ever organize a giant hide-and-seek game here, make sure to bring snacks and a flashlight because it’s going to be EPICALLY long…

It’s no wonder that I’m thinking about hiding because I am desperately trying to avoid the truth which has just leaped off my borrowed book’s page. Why isn’t there a 5-second-rule for thoughts, I wonder? Because now that I’ve read it, there’s no going back.

I’m skimming through a book about Henri Nouwen’s life and this passage caught me off-guard: “Discernment is about seeing, knowing, and being known. Do you want to be seen by God? Do you want to be truly known, with all your inner thoughts and outer activities laid out before an all-seeing, all-knowing God?”

Well, actually…I don’t. That sounds like a terrible idea!

I’ve been seeking discernment lately because I’m looking for my first call as a soon-to-be-ordained minister. I’ve been wanting some direction about where to apply and how to know you’ve met the right congregation for you. I’m all for the “seeing” and “knowing” part of discernment. Hey Sophia, send all that wisdom my way! But I didn’t realize that the flow of knowledge, clarity and understanding is a two-way street. It’s a relationship. As we open ourselves to be receptive to God’s wisdom, we are also revealing ourselves to God.

Of course, God does already know who we are. God knows our favourite flavour of ice-cream, the wishes we make when we blow out our birthday candles, and the things locked in our hearts which we’ve never told anyone.

But that’s not the point. That’s not what Henri Nouwen was trying to say.

What is important is that we’re ready to show up – as our whole selves – in our relationship with God. Our busy, modern lives are so distracting that we can often avoid having to look at our faults and our wounds. We don’t have to deal with the parts of our lives or our souls which are painful, squidgy or a little bit frayed around the edges. But when we’re asking God to help us with discernment – to help us come into alignment with who we are meant to be – then all parts of our souls will be called into healing.

The book I’m reading, Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life by Henri Nouwen suggests that we write a personal letter to God, openly and honestly looking at the areas of life we are not sure that we want God to investigate, and then we can pray that God will help us to see ourselves (and these “tender areas”) as fully, gently and beautifully as God sees us.

Hmmm… sounds like I’ve got some letter writing to do. This could take a while. I’d better bring snacks. And a flashlight!

Joy Cowan is an MDiv student at Emmanuel College in Toronto and she is a Candidate for Ordained Ministry within the United Church of Canada. She adores her silver tabby cat named Kiri, and she has a penchant for collecting acorns and perfectly round stones.

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